Fuck!
It’s great to come back and immediately call up and expletive (just shocking of me I know). I haven’t been writing asmuch as I would want or like these days being caught up in just trying to stay afloat. A lot of my time is built around the stress of trying to keep working, paying the bills, surviving and in that trying to find the time to simply take care of myself and make forward progress.
And there are days, and there are DAYS.
Days when I find myself feeling beaten down. Days when I am tired or feel lonely. Days when it seems like I am being swallowed by the monotony of it all. It’s as if I am wading in this morass, this quicksand that doesn’t let me get any further but I am just that small step away from going under.
Then there are things that put it in pespective...
Case in point - my friend is dying. It is highly likely she will not be here at the end of the summer if she is not gone sooner. When I think about it it doesn’t seem real to me although I know that I myself have been in a similar position in the not too distant past where I was wondering how much time I might have left and what that meant and how scary it is.
You don’t know fear, really deep fear until you are confronted with the very real prospect of your own mortality. And it isn’t as if you get a definite time of when you’ll clock out just a vague knowledge that your number will be up soon. The curtain will be falling and your not quite ready for the show to end (wow, could I throw some more clichés into the mix for you).
I’m a little selfish at this moment because as I grow older, it seems to me that very good friends, people who count, people you can rely on, people who matter, are harder and harder to find. If anything, a lot of friends just fall by the wayside as you get older.
Maybe this is part of getting older too, getting more particular, more ready to find offense, more attuned to the things that are different between you and other people, the areas you don’t agree as opposed to the areas where you do agree.
So, my friend, who has been a good friend, a true blessing to me in so many ways is going to be gone soon.
I hate this.
I hate that I can’t do anything to help her. I hate that she is in pain. I hate that she is going to be gone soon. I hate that once again something (someone) that I love, that has been so good for me and that has had such a positive affect on my life will not be there. And I am angry at myself because it feels so very selfish that I am thinking of how it will affect me when I should be doing more for my friend.
The last time I saw her was around Christmas and she wasn’t doing well then really. I knew it, she knew it but to spend too much time talking about it would just ruin the time we had to spend with each other. And when I left I had to pull down the road and pull the car over to the side of it and I cried for a good 20 minutes.
Crying doesn’t do you much good though except give you a clogged nose that you have to blow and you still wind up feeling shitty afterward.
Today, I was trying to write something... I want to send along something to her but everything I put down just rang so hollow. I want to comfort her, I want her to know she matters that she is important that no matter what she has made a difference not only to me but to a lot of other people here on the planet and at the end of everything her mark is going to be one that is lasting for a lot of people but then the question comes to me is that any comfort after all when you know you are facing the end?
We just don’t get any kind of an idea of how much time we have.
When we’re young it seems as if life will go on forever and then slowly it dawns on us that really isn’t the case as we see the people we love taken from us one by one. Each day matters and I have to remind myself of this when I am sitting around watching the time just run past.
We’re all dying... you’re dying as you read this. You don’t know when but you are on that inevitable march to the grave. What you do with what you have matters and whether or not you are like me (wasting time) or like my friend (who I have to say, lived quite the life) is entirely up to you.
I miss my friend already, I’ll probably see her one more time before but the biggest thing I’ll have to do is to manage not losing it. That and figuring out if there is anything I can do to make her smile, if I can give her any kind of final gift at the very least I want to give her a moment of laughter because I can’t seem to do much else.
It’s great to come back and immediately call up and expletive (just shocking of me I know). I haven’t been writing asmuch as I would want or like these days being caught up in just trying to stay afloat. A lot of my time is built around the stress of trying to keep working, paying the bills, surviving and in that trying to find the time to simply take care of myself and make forward progress.
And there are days, and there are DAYS.
Days when I find myself feeling beaten down. Days when I am tired or feel lonely. Days when it seems like I am being swallowed by the monotony of it all. It’s as if I am wading in this morass, this quicksand that doesn’t let me get any further but I am just that small step away from going under.
Then there are things that put it in pespective...
Case in point - my friend is dying. It is highly likely she will not be here at the end of the summer if she is not gone sooner. When I think about it it doesn’t seem real to me although I know that I myself have been in a similar position in the not too distant past where I was wondering how much time I might have left and what that meant and how scary it is.
You don’t know fear, really deep fear until you are confronted with the very real prospect of your own mortality. And it isn’t as if you get a definite time of when you’ll clock out just a vague knowledge that your number will be up soon. The curtain will be falling and your not quite ready for the show to end (wow, could I throw some more clichés into the mix for you).
I’m a little selfish at this moment because as I grow older, it seems to me that very good friends, people who count, people you can rely on, people who matter, are harder and harder to find. If anything, a lot of friends just fall by the wayside as you get older.
Maybe this is part of getting older too, getting more particular, more ready to find offense, more attuned to the things that are different between you and other people, the areas you don’t agree as opposed to the areas where you do agree.
So, my friend, who has been a good friend, a true blessing to me in so many ways is going to be gone soon.
I hate this.
I hate that I can’t do anything to help her. I hate that she is in pain. I hate that she is going to be gone soon. I hate that once again something (someone) that I love, that has been so good for me and that has had such a positive affect on my life will not be there. And I am angry at myself because it feels so very selfish that I am thinking of how it will affect me when I should be doing more for my friend.
The last time I saw her was around Christmas and she wasn’t doing well then really. I knew it, she knew it but to spend too much time talking about it would just ruin the time we had to spend with each other. And when I left I had to pull down the road and pull the car over to the side of it and I cried for a good 20 minutes.
Crying doesn’t do you much good though except give you a clogged nose that you have to blow and you still wind up feeling shitty afterward.
Today, I was trying to write something... I want to send along something to her but everything I put down just rang so hollow. I want to comfort her, I want her to know she matters that she is important that no matter what she has made a difference not only to me but to a lot of other people here on the planet and at the end of everything her mark is going to be one that is lasting for a lot of people but then the question comes to me is that any comfort after all when you know you are facing the end?
We just don’t get any kind of an idea of how much time we have.
When we’re young it seems as if life will go on forever and then slowly it dawns on us that really isn’t the case as we see the people we love taken from us one by one. Each day matters and I have to remind myself of this when I am sitting around watching the time just run past.
We’re all dying... you’re dying as you read this. You don’t know when but you are on that inevitable march to the grave. What you do with what you have matters and whether or not you are like me (wasting time) or like my friend (who I have to say, lived quite the life) is entirely up to you.
I miss my friend already, I’ll probably see her one more time before but the biggest thing I’ll have to do is to manage not losing it. That and figuring out if there is anything I can do to make her smile, if I can give her any kind of final gift at the very least I want to give her a moment of laughter because I can’t seem to do much else.
No comments:
Post a Comment